Tuesday, February 15, 2011

A Flaccid Return

I'm getting lazy. Instead of rushing back to my loft, head full of ideas, and strapping into my jewelry studio to pump out genius works of wearable art created to the soundtrack of today's Top 40 hits - now I just go home and eat a dinner high in salt, fat, and bread and lay there digesting it until it's time for bed. Seriously. The other night I made tallegio-stuffed agnolotti with a butter and parmesan sauce (read: pillows of fresh pasta filled with high-fat cheese, served in fat, drenched in fat, with some fat mixed in so you get just the right amount of fat). I walk around feeling bloated, which is no mean feat for someone built like me - 5'11", 155lbs, metabolism like a chipmunk. In other words, the winter doldrums have settled their gross, paunchy asses down in the middle of my life and, like Jabba the Hut, just lay there drooling and laughing at me while they pluck another Klatooine paddy frog and shovel it down their flabby gullets.

Winter also provides a lot of time to look up severely clandestine Star Wars references with which I pepper everyday conversation; also, I don't get laid a lot in the winter.

In short: production has been slow. Fortunately, sales have been high. If you've been a reader since LNF's inception, you'll know I'm one of those artists who experiences serious high-and-low states, creatively-speaking. When I force myself to sit in my studio and start tinkering with jewelry, I end up with a lot of ruined components and a pile of tangled mess and heartburn. No one wants to see me when I have heartburn.

So here's a list of awesome things I'm considering doing while in my "low" state:

Blink wildly and then close my eyes really tight for an amazing light show
Practice my karaoke standards
Invent a weird twitch to use in awkward coversation
Make a low buzzing noise to confuse my cat
Try not to think about penguins
Develop my telekinesis
Rate strangers' appearances near the train station with large poker cards
Send spooky emails to spammers
Deliver pizza with a Welsh accent
Learn an entire episode of "The Office" in Italian
See how long it takes to gargle water until it all gets swallowed (extra awesome if it's rum)
Pick up my cat so she can see the world from my point of view
Continue not shooting up heroin (28 years and goin' strong!)
Experiment with homemade fireworks
Eat food I bought on Etsy and time my food poisoning
Learn Elvish
Drop a marble in a public bathroom and say, "OH NO MY GLASS EYE"
Get a manicure somewhere new (maybe even have a white person do it...!)
Create new form of street art with mustard
Eat Spam while reading spam
Read the oldest possible computer magazine I can find
Take a hamster to the beach for some "quality time"

Or I could just go to London next week.

Yeah, I'm gonna do that.


  1. And now I'm definitely blinking wildly to see if I get the same effect ...

  2. It's like a private Parade of Lights (add vodka).


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