OBLIGATORY GOLDEN GLOBES POST

Last night, I made an enormous batch of oven fries a’la Root, popped on my furry boots, and settled in between the boyfriend and the cat to join the millions of voyeurs in America in watching the Golden Globes. Its widely known that the Hollywood Foreign Press – the entity in full charge – has a nasty habit of nominating certain celebrities, television shows, and films in a transparent attempt to coerce A-listers to attend the ceremony (hellooooo The Tourist), so I, like so many people, ignore the awards and focus on the fashion. In a transparent attempt to find something to write about on this ugly, cold Chicago Monday morning, I’m sharing my Top 5 favorites. Without further ado, and before my coffee gets cold:

#5 – Robert Downey Jr. in a suit that would look better crumpled on my floor

Men in well-fitting suits are the fastest way to turn me into a total mind-skank. Triple that whorishness when it’s Robert Downey Jr. Love the shade of grey and the modern-meets-vintage cut; love the blazing red silk tie. This could only be hotter if he wore one of his costumes from Sherlock Holmes (that’s elementary, you dirty slut).

#4 – Claire Danes in Calvin Klein Collection

I love that Claire Danes seems to be giving a big “whatevs” to the whole shindig. She looks stunning in hot pink (ever so close to Pantone’s 2011 Color of the Year , Honeysuckle, I might add…), but this is clearly a woman with better things to think about than another awards show. Leave the poofy, crusty trash to the professionals – like Jennifer Love Hewitt (who resembled nothing more than a holy water basin in some drag queen church).

#3 – Angelina Jolie in Versace Atelier

Love the color. Love the shoulder pads. Love the subtle- nod to an 80’s Halston silhouette. She’s an understated siren in sparkly seafoam green, and still kind of looks like one of Charlie’s Angels. Can’t hate it.

#2 – Anne Hathaway in Armani Privé

Holy shoulder pads! They’re forgiveable because you can almoooooost see her buttcrack, and the iridescent embellishment on her tight-fitting full-length gown make it look like armor (you know, that sleazy girl-armor that all fantasy role-playing nerds insist female characters wear). Needs tramp stamp.

#1 – Helena Bonham Carter in Vivienne Westwood

Bellatrix LeStrange captivates me in a Frankenstein-esque frock inspired by a fabric shower curtain in your spinster aunt’s house, frosted with black tulle for that extra glam, and MISMATCHED SHOES. Srsly. I love those bridesmaid dye-to-match pumps with the delicate wrap-around tie. Take a look around the interwebs today – you’d think those mismatched shoes are on some government watch list. We won’t talk about her hair, because, well, we don’t need to. It’s glorious in its silence. Helena Bonham Carter is the grown-up uber-wealthy version of all the Dungeons and Dragons geeks I hung out with in high school – the difference being I actually BELIEVE her. When she sees a dragon in the corner, I’m getting my fucking axe.